I watch my kids sometimes and think my life should be more fun...
I want to have more fun, but I am afraid of making a mistake.
My whole life I have watched others trying to learn how to do the right things.
I don't mean morally, learning wise and socially.
It has not been fun - I didn't know until I was in my thirties that i had a or multiple
learning disabilities.
By then I had developed some adaptive skills and was told to just be happy I had
managed.
That wasn't comforting - there has been other things i had desperately wanted to
do with my life and that i had the intelligence for.
I pushed ahead and took a second stab at a career. I became faculty assistant
as a single mom of three doing graduate work. For the most part it helped as I understood better
what the professor wanted in his papers and how he researched for his own work.
Partly I took on the extra hours of work so I could have a good reference when I left school
- partly so i could find strategies to learn better.
For the most part it went ok but there were moments of sheer embarrassment for me - clearly the prof felt i worked hard and was dedicated to the task - smart enough to do what he needed. But there was always the problem of when i didn't know something i really didn't know.
I think bosses and instructors are used to people trying to get away with less work - i wasn't like that - i probably worked harder in some regards than most students. If I am asking someone a question - it isn't to waste their time or find an easy way out - it is because i have exhausted everything i know to figure out a problem.
So on the day i stood at the door of my professor's office - asking him to show me the difference between a synopsis and the abstract he had asked for - i had already asked a library helper - i had already read a definition of each - i had asked a fellow student - none helped me - i was desperate just to do this simple task right - like all the others he laughed at me - his back was turned to me on his computer - he didn't see my face - i asked three times before i finally said with my voice cracking - please can you just point to it - i held two examples for him with tears streaming down my face...i was beyond humiliated but i also knew it wasn't his fault.
People often don't believe or understand the glitches, gaps and struggles I have and the stupid little things that can stump me - just because i am quick and smart.
i guess that is partly why i refrain from having more fun - i am afraid to miss something i am supposed to know - i don't want to be called any more names - i try hard everyday - and although t is easier than when i was younger - it still isn't easy.
